Of sunsets and window seats

February 17, 2016

It was one of the golden hours of March last year. In a seating next to a window on a shuttle going to Laguindingan. That moment was like a piece of peace amidst the chaos inside my head. A mayhem of my what and why. Months of figuring out the answers, it was a struggle up to the point of meltdown. Getting out of that void alive is an achievement.

Now, on my bedroom floor, with clicking sound of the keyboard and wind gushing outside on the background. My eyes are glancing on the five-letter word painted on my door: begin. Such a simple word but takes a lot of power to realize.

At this point, I'm stuck at step two: how

Having an image map of the nodes that you're gonna be hopping to get to where you want is not enough, sometimes. There might be circumstances that are out of your control. That's okay. (Yes self, set aside your action bias for this moment. A bit of waiting won't hurt you.) 

So while having this down time, I decided to take a detour. A week ago, I've finally opened the love letters from my younger self back in 2009. I decided to read it two months before my 25th. I feel like if I'm going to be down , now's the perfect time because it won't have so much bearing. I mean, what's a little disappointment compared to where I am right now. I'm already back to zero on everything. 

Finishing the letters, I thought: "What's this 17/18/19/20-year old naive girl knows about what I am heading to?  Wherein her only biggest problem in life is to pass her design plate." Those unfulfilled expectations got me mixed feelings. But you know what was I reminded upon going through these notes?

She trusted me. 
A trust that I've lost over the years. 

It may be a little sad to leave some of those dreams but what I will always carry is the certainty of my younger self that I can do it, whatever goals I am looking at.

A person once told me how he doesn't understand why people are so fond of sunset. He doesn't like how it conveys sadness. For him, it's like a signal of an ending. 

I've witnessed several sunsets. Some of them are dull, some of them are glorious. But one thing is constant, without going through them, I will not be able to start a new day. So have a good night, for now. Better mornings are waiting ahead. 

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